Hey Joe! Where you goin’ with that gun in your hand.
We all know that the G.I. Joe toyline was initially a 12 inch action figure doll that incorporated a variety of uniformed quasi-generic dudes before getting shrunk down to the 3 ¾ scale and acquiring an entirely new backstory that went far beyond the initial concept. Also: ninjas. We’re now enjoying a time when the Joe line has been upsized to yet another scale and damn-diddly-damn am I enjoying the renaissance.
When the ’80s GI Joe comic decided to make G.I. Joe an actual character based on the original 12 inch G.I. Joe action figure line, it was only a matter of time before he got a toy. Well, it took a while, but his figure debuted in 1994 as a mail-in offer. I was out of the Joe collecting arena at the time, so I never had one.
Joe Colton debuted in the 86th issue of the original Marvel comics run, alongside “Jane” who was the original G.I. Jane. There was also their dog, Spot, otherwise known as G.I. Spot. That was a complete lie, there was no dog in the comic, and there is no G.I. Spot.
At least, so he’d have us believe… bow wow wow disavowed.
Anyway, in the comic, Joe proved himself a real fighting man, and was offered an honorary Joe membership, before Jane–laughing maniacally–revealed he was the original G.I. Joe, making those idiot Joes feel like real maroons.
This information was probably supposed to be classified.
GOOD JOB, JANE. GOD.
Joe was portrayed in the comic as having a Kung-fu battle beard. He was a flocking good soldier. Jane had no beard, but she was wearing a skirt, so who knows.
Bringing the original Joe concept full circle and re-introducing it into the Real American Hero line was a brilliant one, and the character has persisted throughout the Joe mythos since then. While he never appeared on the original cartoon—frankly, his testosterone level would have eaten through the television screen–he would make an appearance in the live action movies in the form of Bruce “make it out to Bruce” Willis, who definitely showed up and said some lines. At least, I think. I didn’t watch it, but I can guarantee if somebody on set shouted out “McClane” he would have turned around and forgotten what movie he was on. G.I. Joe: Retaliation: Reboot: Redo: Die Hardening of the Arteries.
I’ve completely lost the point now. God, Jane, you ignorant slut.
According to Joe Colton’s file card, he was a damn alpha male sexual tyrannosaurus with a dick made of cast iron that terrified the forces of evil with his unbelievable military prowess.
Sure, he may have been a badass, but did he have a catch phrase?
According to Joe’s dossier: “Catch phrases are for girl scouts.”
Because we all remember the Girl Scout catch-phrase. THIN MINTS FOR YO MOMMA, TAGALONGS FOR YO DADDY. BUY OUR COOKIES, BITCH, BECAUSE YOU ARE A FATTY.
It doesn’t fit on a business card, but Girl Scouts are all business anyway.
Joe would go on to have a handful of figures, one of which that looked somewhat similar to Korben Dallas Multipass McClane himself. Now that was a head that needed flocking.
I think what I’m saying in all of this is that this new 6 inch Joe line would benefit from having the original G.I. Joe in it.
All up in it.
About Post Author
Source: Fwoosh
